Walking in the Rain

Yesterday I walked over 30kms to raise money for the Heart Foundation, specifically to help raise awareness and funds for research around women heart health.  The event is called Coastrek and it is held all over Australia.  It is a great event for a worthy cause, and it was a huge personal challenge.  I am proud to say I successfully walked in the rain and mud, on sand, pavement and through the bush, from Mona Vale to Balgowlah Heights.  The journey took me just under 10 hours and I clocked up 54,907 steps on my smart watch. 

I know I am not unique in doing long walks for charity, but today I am feeling emotional, tired and a little sore and I wanted to reflect on how I am feeling and the lessons I have learned.  I think these lessons can be taken into our business and personal lives – they will stay with me beyond the event.

Preparation is everything

When my friend Deanne asked me to be part of the team for this year’s walk, I didn’t hesitate to jump in.  2023 was about healing and learning to be “solo” in life.  2024 is about challenging myself.  I never doubted I could walk 30kms, but I knew a challenge like this required training.

We have been training for this for months.  Friday night walks up and down the hilly streets of Beaumont Hills.  Longer walks over the weekend, usually 10—15kms, exploring different parts of Sydney.  A 25km “practice walk” for Ronald McDonald House.  Testing out our gear to make sure we were wearing the right shoes, socks, even the right underpants. 

When I went for a 8km walk 2 weeks ago and finished feeling like I had done nothing at all, I knew I was ready.  I got so much out of the time spent walking with the team in preparation for the main event, meeting new friends, having lots of chats. Appropriately our team was called Walkin & Talkin.

Lesson 1 – If you have a goal and you can share that goal with others, it makes the journey much more enjoyable.  It is as much about the journey as the destination. 

Don’t skimp on the necessities.

When I buy a laptop, I choose that laptop based on the quality, not the price.  My laptop is my tool of trade and while I am not going to buy the most expensive laptop, I am definitely not going to buy the cheapest.  In most cases, you get what you pay for.

Photo credit to Lisa Cooper for making this montage, and my team for taking the photos.

The main thing I needed to protect for this walk was always going to be my feet.  I had a practice trek early in my training in the bush around Hornsby with my friend Sophie.  The shoes I wear for netball and gym were slippery and I knew I needed to invest in something a little more heavy duty.  I invested in some trail runners (apparently running on trails is a thing!) and some decent woollen hiking socks.  Best thing I could have done.

Yesterday, during the walk it rained for at least 90% of the time. Not only did it rain during the day, it had rained for the days preceding and much of the track was a slippery, boggy, muddy mess. My feet stayed dry for about the first 10kms and then they were just wet for the rest of the day.  The socks seemed to absorb some of the water making my feet bearable. My shoes were amazing, and I am pleased to say I have no blisters at all.

Lesson 2 – Sometimes you need quality and you may need to pay a little more for it, but it is worth it in the long run.  If you are not sure do a cost/benefit analysis.  This can apply to anything – the software you are using (look at the time you are saving), your computer, or your shoes.  While price doesn’t always mean quality, do the research and pay a little more if there will be a benefit to it.

One step at a time

The rain tricked down as we crossed the starting line.  We have put our rain ponchos on and hoped that it would stop raining so we could enjoy the walk.  It didn’t stop raining, except for the last few kilometres.  The rain would ease off and get heavier and eventually it was just part of it all.  It added to the memories we will have of yesterday.

Having watched the weather for the week leading up to yesterday, we knew there would be a chance of rain – a big chance.  Our group chat was filled with pictures of the synoptic charts and panic was setting in among the team.  I chose to ignore the panic as much as possible, I can’t change the weather, and figured that it is just rain.  I continued with that attitude (as did the rest of the team) as we walked for almost 10 hours, soaked to the bone. 

When Rod first got sick we were told to not look too far into the future, to take it one step at a time.  I am trying to use this in life, and I certainly used it on the walk.  I didn’t really know what was in front of me, but I did know what the next 10 metres looked like, so I just navigated that.  And then the next, and then the next.  

At the signpost for 15kms to go, we had a little cheer.  When there was only 1km to go, another cheer, but that last kilometre seemed to take forever.  I felt a little teary when we crossed the finish line, as a team.  We pushed each other on.  One step at a time and those steps added to 30kms.

Lesson 3 – No one really knows what is ahead.  You can plan, you can follow a map, but there is always going to be some unexpected twist and turns.  Concentrate on what is immediately ahead of you and make the most of that moment, one step at a time.

Motivation is everything

I am no different to anyone else, but I do have a level of motivation that makes me want to do things outside of my comfort zone.

This morning when I woke up sore, tired and feeling like I had a hangover (I didn’t, I was asleep by 8.30pm), all I wanted to do was stay in bed.  Then I thought of those who did the 50km walk (yes, you can do an even longer walk), and I felt envious of their motivation.  What makes them get out of bed?  What made a lot of the 50km walkers actually run the track (I guess that is why they sell trail runners)?  What drives those who are really good at business to run amazing businesses, take risks and work hard to be successful?  I am sure they are not lying in bed with their head under the covers.

I got out of bed.  Although I have taken it pretty easy today, I did write this blog.  It is time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and be motivated about life, business and working to be the best I can be.

Lesson 4 – Just do it!

Happy Holidays

This holiday season, I could see it going one of two ways. 

I spent Boxing Day watching Netflix and scouring social media feeling the envy of everyone’s amazing Christmas.  The photos were beautiful, the families were happy, everything looked perfect.  My mind started to spiral at my poor attempt at Christmas this year.  No fancy table decorations, my cooking was not up to scratch and I felt like my family were there out of obligation more than anything.  There were no Instagram worthy photos taken.  By comparison to my Instagram feed, I had failed Christmas.

Path one – continue down this spiral for the rest of the holidays and feel sorry for myself.  Drink too much, eat too much, watch too much TV and worry about the consequences when I return to work.  Work equals structure and distraction.  I can get back on track then.

Honestly, with everything else going on in the world at the moment, my inability to make the perfect meal and serve it on the perfect table is so trivial.  It is almost embarrassing to admit that it was consuming my thoughts most of Boxing Day, however I am sure I was not alone in my thinking.  Christmas Day is not perfect for everyone and I am sure there were other people thinking they had not lived up to expectation that day.  It is just one day and I have no idea why being perfect at Christmas is even a thing.

Path two – get on with living and enjoying the break I have been waiting for all year. 

It has been a tough year.  It is my first year without my husband, so grief was ever present.  As a business owner I have struggled with the everyday challenges of running a business – staff issues, cashflow issues, addressing the urgent needs of clients and working incredibly hard to meet budget.  I deserve this two week break.  Make the most of it.

So, I decided that the day after Boxing Day was the day to get on with my life.  I have spent this past year existing around my business.  Nearly everything I have done has been for the business, and this has worked well for me.  It provided little spare time to think. My main distraction from work is fitness, my healthy distraction.  I have been trying to work on my mental health with mindfulness and meditation, but I find my thoughts are often full of work issues.  In 2023 I existed.  In 2024 I want to find joy and purpose in my life again.

Day 1, The Perfect Day.  I recall during the year being asked what my perfect day would look like.  I can’t remember my answer but I think it was something like starting the day with a good workout, spending the day doing something I enjoy, eating a nice meal, doing some yoga, not feeling rushed or pressured.

So that is what I did.  I centred the day around a trip to the NSW Art Gallery.  I am not sure what it is about art galleries, but I find them a great place to visit on my own.  In fact, I prefer to visit them on my own so I can take my time to read about the art with no need for discussion or opinion.   Many years ago, when I was briefly living in New York and feeling lonely and homesick, I spent most weekends at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  It was so big you could always find something new to look at.   As an accountant with very little natural creativity, it surprises me how much I am drawn to art.

One of the reasons for my visit to the Gallery was to be inspired, to wake up the little bit of creativity in me that is usually smothered by numbers and deadlines.   I realised during the day that it is not only art that helps my creativity.  My creativity was sparked due to the lack of structure in my day.  I had no deadlines, I didn’t really have a plan for the day.  I had a destination, but what I did when I got there, when I left, how I got home evolved naturally as the day progressed.  How often do I get a day like that?  My perfect day is an unstructured day.  So simple.

And at around 3am this morning the creativity and inspiration arrived.  Not the best time, but I am on holidays.  Who cares if I am awake at 3am?  I can sleep later if I need to.  I have no plans, no structure and an afternoon nap on holidays sounds like bliss to me.

It is only the start of the holidays, and I am sure I will be craving structure by the time I return to work, but for now I am going to find a bit space to just be.  These unstructured weeks are a gift that comes only once a year and I intend to make the most of it. 

Happy Holidays.

Summer

Today is the first day of summer, and the first anniversary of the day you left this world.  One year, it has gone so quickly.

This morning I have woken up at our villa in Nusa Lembongan and it feels like the perfect place to remember you on this day.  Our special place.  It is early morning and peaceful.  The birds are singing and in the distance I can hear the roosters advising the island it is time to wake up.

I am here with new friends, people you never got to meet.  I have had a wonderful week showing them the island, just as you loved showing our friends.  We have had incredible fun and I am sure the island will miss the five loud and laughing women in their 50’s when we leave later today.  

While today I will reflect on Rod in my thoughts (as I do everyday), I want to think about the progress I have made over the past year.  I almost feel guilty to say that I am feeling so much better, but I am. I miss him but am learning to live as a single person and feeling comfortable in my own company.  I can do the things I want to do and choose not to do the things that don’t interest me.  I am not feeling as envious of my friends with partners as I felt at the start.  I am finding my way in the “solo” world.

I still work too much but I am conscious of that choice.  It is the way I escape the thoughts in my head.  I have managed to reduce the amount of work I am doing slightly and trying to focus on doing the things I want to do, rather that just being busy for the sake of it.  Work feels good, and while it is not where I hoped it would be at this time last year, it is making progress.  My team have ridden the wave with me.  Some fell off the wave, but others have stuck with me and I am proud of the team and what we have achieved.  It has been tough on them as well and I thank them for so much support.

Speaking of support, I cannot believe how much support people have given me.  Dinners, lunches, breakfasts, concerts, movies, coffees… a friendly ear when I need it.  Old friends and new friends.  Thank you everyone for being there when I needed you most. 

Our family, where would I be without you?  We are not the perfect family, but we do pretty well together.  You have been a tower of strength while grieving too.  Always checking in on me.  Always there when I need a shoulder to cry on.  Being there for each other as we all navigate a world without Rod.

Jarrod, your dad would be so proud of you.  On the day you and Charley got engaged I was very emotional because I knew that he would be so happy.   I felt the same when Jordan and Tiana got engaged a few weeks ago.  I am so happy for all of you.  We all have such wonderful things to look forward to and it is sad he won’t get to see it.

After Rod passed away I made the decision that I wanted to lead a healthier life.  I know how short life can be and I want to be able to participate as much as possible, for as long as possible.  I have been a regular at the gym and it has been that best thing I could have done.  A wonderful group of women who support each other, without judgement.  While at the gym I was asked play netball, and here I am, in Bali on my end of season trip with netball and gym friends.  I am finding my tribe.

I am a business woman and I face clients all the time.  I cannot cry when I talk of Rod, I have to distance myself and be professional.   Sometimes it feels like I have an Instagram filter on me.  The filter goes up like a shield to hide what is really behind it.  I can now talk about him without feeling the same level of emotion.  I still cry, but not as much.  I am still trying to remember the good times but having difficultly getting the bad times out of my head, particularly those last few weeks.

Overall though, as we move into my second summer without you, I am stronger than I was and I know I will be even stronger next year.  The first day of summer will always hold special meaning to me.  You made it to your last summer for one day, and I am hoping it is summer all the time for you now.  An endless summer, just seeing what the tide does.

In the Moment

Why do we wish our life away?  For months I have been looking forward to my Bali holiday,  dreaming of reliving the wonderful moments I spent here with Rod.  This was our special place.  Yet it has taken me a week to relax enough, to find the space, the quietness and to really appreciate this moment because tomorrow, like all moments, it will be in the past.

I arrived on the island of Nusa Lembongan and I tried to ride a motorcycle.  I was surprised at how fearful I was, but also how upset I was that I just couldn’t do it straight away.  This was the one thing that I was not confident about when coming here – the one thing that Rod always was the master of.  I loved the feeling of holding on to him as we rode around the island.  It is one of my most cherished memories. 

Now I needed to do it on my own, but it felt difficult. Realising that my sister couldn’t ride due to her broken foot, I gave up.  I am not sure if it was the fear of riding, or the fear of riding alone that worried me.  I am a bit disappointed in myself for not giving it a go, but I will try again next time.  We still managed to explore the island and have a wonderful time.

No two holidays are ever the same and this holiday has made me realise that I cannot recreate what once was.  I need to embrace the differences.  I have my sister with me to provide a level of amusement and make me do different things, things I would not normally do.  It certainly has given us something to laugh about.  Michelle having a broken foot, and her good humour that comes with it, has only added to the amusement.

The Healer

Michelle really wanted to visit a Healer while in Bali so we did this on our first day.  It was an experience and the Healer picked up on my grief straight away, telling me Rod was sitting right next to me, which of course started the tears flowing.  He also told Michelle that her foot was not broken despite x-ray evidence to the contrary, but I guess you pick the bits you want to hear, and allow a margin of error when things are not entirely correct.  I am not sure I am healed, and I sure Michelle’s foot is still broken, but I do think it helped.

The Beer Cycle

When Michelle told me she wanted to go on the Bali Beer Cycle, my immediate thought was that it was not for me. For clarification, it is a small truck that is set up like a bar, but each person sits at a seat that is like a bicycle seat with pedals at your feet.  The truck drives around Bali while you drink and pretend to be powering the truck from your cycling.  Then I saw it ride past us and thought, maybe it is not so bad.  When in Rome… or when in Kuta.  So, on the cycle I went and had a wonderful 2 hours of drinking, singing, not really peddling but having fun.  Thank you Michelle for making me do this.

Falling off, Falling over

I am not sure why I worry about my sister and her broken foot when I seem to be the clumsy one these holidays.  After a fun night at Frankenstein’s Laboratory (a theatre restaurant of sorts, with face painting and IV drip bags full of cocktails), we hopped on the back of motorcycles for a lift home.  For clarification, we were not the ones driving the motorcycle.  It was late at night, the streets were relatively empty and I was enjoying the cool breeze as we floated through the streets of Seminyak and Legian. 

We arrive at our hotel and I don’t recall trying to dismount from the bike, but I somehow found myself lying on the ground, flat on my back.  I was not hurt, but then the laughter started.  I don’t think I stopped laughing for at least an hour.  Sometimes you just need a good belly laugh and I can’t recall laughing like that for years. 

To follow up on my clumsiness, as we were walking on the wharf to get on our boat to the island of Lembongan (our next destination), I slipped down the ramp flat onto my backside.  It was pouring rain, and it was incredibly slippery, but once again I found myself on the ground looking up at everyone else.  Luckily I have been doing Yoga so that I fell a little more gracefully (probably not), but have not hurt myself.  At least I am providing some reciprocal amusement for my sister.

The Perfect Storm

Ok, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but our trip from the mainland to Lembongan in heavy rain and rough sea was not what I was expecting. With the passengers screaming as the boat dropped into each wave, and waves seemed to be coming at us in each direction so all windows were closed, it was hot, visibility was only a few feet and I did start to feel rather scared.  I don’t like not having control and in this situation we were entirely at the whim of the sea captains.

We made it, of course, but I was practicing mindfulness during the crossing.  Like everything, it was an experience and trying to be present in that experience, good or bad, felt important. For a moment I thought it might have been the last experience of my life. The harbour master closed the crossing that afternoon for the next 24 hours after 2 boats were badly damaged. Maybe I was not being overly dramatic. 

Living in the moment

I need to remind myself I am really here.  I am at the Villa Bukit, on Nusa Lembongan, sitting by the pool I have been imaging for months, doing the things I had imagined I would be doing.  I have realised I cannot recreate the past experiences here with Rod, but rather than dwell on that, I need to embrace the new experiences. 

We can’t go back in time, we can only remember it.  The only moment that is relevant is the moment we are in right now.  Sitting here, with the sun shining, the pool sparkling and waiting for my banana pancakes for breakfast, the present is about as perfect as it gets.

Fifteen

The original team in 2008. Jacquie Howard, Kay Rudd and myself in the middle. Looking much younger then and celebrating the opening of Jigsaw Tax.

On 1 July 2023 Jigsaw Tax turned 15.  For 15 years it has demanded my attention more than anything else.  It has bought me highs, lows, challenges and achievements, but most importantly it has helped to define the person I have become.  I find it difficult to celebrate my own accomplishments, but as this last financial year has drawn to a close, the most difficult year of my life so far, I think it is time to reflect.

When I purchased the Hadley Jones accounting practice in Goulburn in 2008 I had a vision of how easy it would be to run a successful business.  Like most small business owners, I totally underestimated the effort and stress that would be needed to succeed.  Looking back over the past 15 years I sometimes wonder how I did it. 

Surviving

Many small businesses do not survive the first few years.  I found the first couple of years relatively easy as I gained experience as a business owner. However, as the business matured new challenges were thrown my way.  Challenges include key staff members needing to take extended sick leave, bringing in a business partner, breaking up with my business partner, financing challenges (no bank wants to lend to a female business owner) and COVID. 

A noticeable change between now and 15 years ago is the pace of business and connectivity.  I am writing this on my laptop, sitting on a plane on my way to Bali.  I first went to Bali not long after buying the business.  It was almost impossible to work from there.  Internet was dreadful, no programs were in the cloud, and I didn’t even bother to take a laptop.  Now I can be contacted anywhere and work from anywhere.  There are definite benefits to this but it does make it difficult to totally switch off from work. 

When I think about surviving, it is not just financially but mentally as well.  I work hard to maintain some balance between work and non-work life but I do think I am working harder now than I ever have.  I am sure I am not alone with this thought. I believe most small business owners are now working longer hours than they would have a few years ago.

Deanne

I don’t normally single staff members out but this time I will.  Deanne Baronoff is my longest serving team member and I want to thank her for the support she has given me over almost 15 years.

Deanne and I have known each other since kindergarten.  We were in a tight circle of best friends in high school.  Being good at maths, we sat next to each other in our high school maths classes the whole way through.  We still sit next to each other doing maths (or accounting) many years later. 

I am grateful that Deanne tells it like it is.  Only a true lifelong friend has the confidence to call you out when you need it, but also have your back when you need it too.  I love that we not only work together but are starting a business together in Opal Plan Management.  Thank you Dee for sticking by me for so long.

Professional Relationships

Over 15 years there have been many staff and many clients.  My staff treat the business as if it were their own and I thank all staff, past and present for helping Jigsaw to make this milestone.  I try my best to be a good employer.  I don’t always get it right, but I am willing to learn and improve.  There is a sense of achievement when I consider how many livelihoods I have supported over the years.

What is a business without clients, and I have some amazing clients.  When Rod passed away in December I was overwhelmed by the messages, cards, gifts, people who travelled to attend his funeral, phone calls and thoughts from so many of my clients.  I always want to do the best for my clients, providing a high quality of advice and great customer service.  It was humbling to see the care returned when I needed it most. 

My Family

Even though I am the owner of the business, all small businesses are family businesses.  When I bought the business I was a newly single mum of two boys, aged 12 and 8.  Over the past 15 years I have become a wife again, a step mum, and a widow.  I have supported my family, and my family have supported me.  They allowed me to travel to Goulburn on a weekly basis, requiring everyone to be organised and adaptive to allow this to happen.

Mum & Dad provided so much support that I can never find a way to thank them enough.  I know they are proud of what I have achieved so far and I hope I continue to make you proud.

My boys, Joel, Jordan and Jarrod.  You have always supported me even when it may have been a bit tough.  I am really proud of the young men you are now and the business acumen that you seem to have gained by osmosis.

Rod really didn’t understand much about accounting, but he was my sounding board and had some wise words to offer about my stress management, forcing me to take breaks and stop and smell the flowers. He also was a great monitor around how much free advice I was giving – pointing this out in his humorous way that “the timer is on” when advice was sought at social events.

And finally me.  I don’t often feel pride in anything much that I do, but as I write this I can’t help feel a little proud.  Here’s to another 15 years.

Autumn

Yesterday it was 4 months since Rod died.  In some ways that sounds like a short time, in other ways it feels like an eternity.

Ironically, Rod died on the first day of summer.  Rod loved summer and was looking forward to being able to lie on the beach, warming himself in the sun and taking a swim in the ocean. Unfortunately he didn’t get to experience that one last summer.  For me, summer was a blur.  I didn’t go to the beach, I had one swim in our pool and I find it difficult to remember much at all about what I did during those months.  I guess that is to be expected.

Autumn arrived and I planned to write this article on 1 March, but here we are in April, the leaves are changing colour, there is a coolness in the air, and on a rainy Sunday morning I am finally letting the words come out.  If Rod were still here we would be lying in bed listening to the rain together, snuggled under the blankets.

Yesterday I felt weird, sad and even a little sick.  Maybe that is going to always happen on the 1st of the month now.  I found it hard to concentrate and my usual activity of throwing myself into work just didn’t fix things.  I started to do some “busy” work to blank out my thoughts when Rocket Man came on my playlist, and the tears just flowed. 

This is a picture of me recording our podcast “The Accidental Bookkeeper”. Probably the favourite part of my week. I love this photo because I look happy.

“I miss the earth so much, I miss my wife”.  I wonder if that is what he is thinking?  I am definitely missing him. “It’s lonely out in space”.  Despite having so many people around me all the time, and things to do, I think that is what I am feeling right now.  Lonely.  And there is really nothing anyone can do to fix that.  A part of me has been broken away and I am lonely without that part.  I don’t want to replace it, I can’t fix it, I just miss it.

What have I learned so far about my grief journey?  Everyone wants to help and I so much appreciate all the support I have had from family, friends, my team, my clients and even strangers, but this is a very personal journey.  It doesn’t have a finish line. Reminders of grief seems to be all around me, although maybe it is just that observation phenomenon like when you buy a new car that you have never seen before, and then see them on the road everywhere.

I have recently watched two new shows that involve the male lead tragically losing their wife and having to deal with the grief.  Both are meant to be light hearted (which they are) but deal with very real themes.  Before I chose either of those shows I was not aware of the storyline.  Of course, lots of dramas deal with death, but I am noticing it more than I ever did before.

I went to a Chamber of Commerce meeting and the guest speaker discussed losing her partner about a year ago and dealing with grief.  I sat there listen with tears streaming down my face.  At a Chamber of Commerce meeting!!! Honestly, it was what I needed to hear on that day and we later caught up for lunch and discussed it some more.   If you are reading this (you know who you are), thank you for being a supportive ear and giving me some tools to help, including the recommendation for Nora McInerny’s Ted Talk “Be Better Than Fine”. There is something powerful about speaking with someone who truly understands what I am going through right now.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Melbourne to do a training course in Organisational Coaching.  I purposely didn’t tell anyone about my situation and it was refreshing to spend 3 days just being myself.  On the last day during a co-coaching session I did explain my situation with one of the course participants when I randomly started crying.  I got so close to finishing the course as Jo the business women, not Jo the widow. To the majority of the participants, I was still Jo the business women until the end of the course.  The benefits of confidentiality.  I am not sure why I wanted to keep it a secret.  I feel like it defines me in some way, which of course it does, but sometimes I just want to be me and not have to explain what happened.  Probably something I should be unpacking with a therapist.

I am back at work in full swing now, or maybe more than full swing.  One of the things Rod was very good at was making me stop working.  “Time for a break Jo, come and have a cup of tea and just sit outside for 10 minutes”.  I have no one to tell me to stop working.  I feel a sense of urgency to get everything done, and there is always something that needs to be done. 

If you follow me on social media you will know that I have started 3 new businesses this year.  I have not started these alone, all are in collaboration with other people, and all were formulated while Rod was alive.  It is just that now, they are all coming together and launching at the same time.  I am excited to see where they go, and grateful that I am not doing any of this alone.  However, work is by far my biggest priority right now.  When I am working, I am not thinking about Rod.  When I am working, I am not lonely.  When I am working, I feel like I am achieving something.

I have also thrown myself into my health and fitness.  I am watching what I eat and I am feeling rather healthy.  I occasionally meditate, love my two yoga classes a week, and I even love doing Body Attack classes.  I am looking forward to playing netball again starting at the end of April.  At almost 54 I think I am finally realising that my health is vitally important and the only person who can take control of it is me.  I am responsible for the food I consume and the energy I expend.  Excuses do not change outcomes.  I still have a way to go to get to where I want to be but it is not about looking like Elle McPherson, it is about feeling healthy.

Life is predictable at the moment.  There are lots of routines in my life that I stick to and each week seems to melt into the next with a degree of sameness.  After 2 years of living on the cancer roller coaster, I need this predictability.  I wouldn’t say I am happy, I think I am always a little bit sad, but most of the time I just am. 

When you ask me how I am doing, the answer is likely to be, I’m OK.  I am OK.  I am not wonderful, I am not a complete mess, I am OK.  And as I move through my second season without Rod, OK is enough.

Solo

It has been some time since I have written anything on my Jigsaw Jo blog, but now feels like the right time to bring Jigsaw Jo back to life.  My life has changes significantly and I do find writing things down helps me to process things in a systematic way. It is the space where my creative mind meets my organised and practical mind.  It is time for me to play in that space again.

Six weeks ago my husband Rod sadly passed away from cancer.  I am not going to get into the details because I don’t think that is my story to tell.  Death is a very personal thing to experience.  I watched Rod battle his disease with persistent optimism that he would get better, and with grace when he knew he would not.  The past two years have been incredibly difficult for our family and while my head tells me he is free from pain now, my heart is broken that he is not here with me still. 

These articles are going to be about me.  I have a new “normal”, navigating the world solo.  I stress that I am not single, I am solo.  At 53 years old the word widow makes me sound ancient.  Yet I am also not like someone who is newly single from a relationship breakdown.  When a relationship breaks down, some focus their energy on being angry at their partner, possibly trying to get some sort of revenge by finding someone new.  I am not angry at him.  I don’t want to replace him. I am just sad that he is not here.   

Honestly, I don’t think I have even started to process what has happened.  The initial stages of someone dying are strange and methodical.  There are things to do like arrange a funeral and catch up with all the people who matter.  As Rod passed away at the beginning of December I also had Christmas to navigate and my family and friends have been working hard to keep me busy to keep my mind off what has happened.  I took six weeks off work yet I have barely had time to stop. 

After doing very little for the past 2 years I can go out for a coffee, a meal or a drink and not have to stress about the impact it would have on Rod.  I don’t have to text him to let him know I am on my way home.  I don’t have to navigate the easiest way for him to get around the shopping centre.  I don’t have to order a meal that we can share that will be OK for him to eat.  Everything feels that little bit different.

It is strange how your mind plays tricks on you.  If I am busy I forget, so I have been keeping really busy.  And then something will remind me of him.  It is like a little hitch that takes my breath away, and I remember he has gone.  Silly things like walking over a Telstra pit on the footpath (he used to work for Telstra), or taking his car to get serviced (the poor motor mechanic is not used to a teary customer), or just trying something new and thinking I must tell Rod about this – he would love it. 

I am not sure where my life will go now.  I do know that I am strong and independent and I will be OK.  You may wonder why I am writing this?  I feel like I need to remember how I am feeling right now.  I am worried I will forget him, and I as I slip back into work and day to day life mode, his presence will start to fade.  I can’t even bring myself to put away his shoes and jacket that he left by the bed, nor can I bear to go through the medicine draw and return to the chemist the many pills that were keeping alive. We are eating the tomatoes from his garden that he lovingly tended, and I wish he could have had the chance to eat those tomatoes. 

Possibly the reason I am writing this is that it is the only time I really cry.  I need that bit of space to really concentrate on him and accept the finality of what has happened.  He is not going to walk through the door.  I am not going to be able to give him a hug and a kiss ever again.  I am sure you don’t come to terms with that in 6 weeks.  Keeping busy helps to distract me from the reality, but I also think I need to spend some time in that reality, undistracted, just reflecting on my memories.

I know it is well past the time for New Year’s Resolutions, and I am not a believer of them anyway, but I do think it is good to set a word to live by for the year.  My word this year is ARENA.  It may sound strange (unless you are a Brene Brown fan like me), but this word refers to the Man in The Arena speech by Theodore Roosevelt in 1910. This is it below

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

So maybe I am not the Man in the arena, but I want to be the Woman in the arena right now.  I need to dare greatly to achieve the many goals I have over the next few years.  I feel like I may be in a spotlight of sorts while I do this, with my family, friends and colleagues cheering me on as I navigate a path that I have not had to face before. 

I hope to navigate my new life with grace, and a few tears every so often.