Guilty Work

I have no real idea why my mind works the way it does.  I am sure there is some incident that happened in my past that means my life needs to be defined by a sense of guilt, even if I have nothing to feel guilty about.  I often joke that I should have the words “Sorry” tattooed on my forehead.  I would imagine that word is among my top 10 most used words.  I feel guilty about the things I do and the things I don’t do.  It takes effort to try to reset my mind to break out of that feeling.

So today I write this to try to fend off the guilt mode as I am having a day of doing fun work.  I am in Brisbane and I am about to attend the Xerocon conference.  I know I am going to get a lot out of it.  I know I am going to have fun.  And I know I am going to feel guilty about it.  Fun at work?  In my mind this an oxymoron.

In order to clear my mind of the guilt I am going to start the day writing down all the reasons I will feel guilty. 

·       I feel guilty because my business partner is unable to attend so I am getting to have this fun adventure on my own. 

·       I feel guilty that my staff will have to do extra work because I am not there to do it.

·       I feel guilty because it is costing money for me to be here – not only in airfares, accommodation and attendance fees, but also in my lost productivity.

·       I feel guilty for all those clients who will urgently need my attention in these next two days and will be referred to a member of my team to help out.  They probably are better at helping than I am anyway, but that is not the point.  I am not there to answer the questions.

·       I feel guilty for leaving my husband back in Sydney to work while I am in Brisbane where is warm and sunny.

·       I feel guilty because I know I am going to enjoy myself.  How can I be paid for a day of work that does not result in invoices being issued to clients?

Even as I write this, I know that is sounds like a load of crap and that my mind it playing tricks on me.  I know the benefits of taking some time out to work on the business, not in the business.  I know that this is work and that I will gain some meaningful insights that will be helpful to my team and the business.  I know that it is necessary to stay up to date with all the latest information. 

There is a difference between knowing and feeling.  Knowing is the reality and feeling is that little voice that tries to take that reality to a different place.

As I sat on the plane last night, I turned off all electronic gadgets (cause I am good girl and I never do anything wrong) and I read.  I love reading but it is a guilty pleasure (that word again).  There are so many other things I could be doing – but for that hour and half I just read.  It was awesome.  I can feel my creativity creeping back in.  For the first time in months I felt like writing.

Which makes me wonder, is the guilt I am feeling not really guilt, rather a reaction to the change process that is going on with me internally.  Here is a bit of honesty – I actually don’t like accounting.  I know, sounds crazy, but I don’t.  I love using the information from accounting to turn the numbers into something meaningful, talking about them, creating a path for my clients to follow…CREATING.  For all these years I have suppressed my inner creativity to do what I am good at (which is numbers), not what I enjoy doing. 

This year I have been on a big path to create.  I have developed Tradie WAGS from scratch which has allowed me to write, learn and explore.  It has taken me out of my comfort zone and makes me feel proud and excited about work again. 

Xerocon is not your typical accounting conference – it is fun, innovative and inspirational.  It is about the things I love – not just numbers.  As I walk out the door now, I know I am going to come back inspired.  Lets hope I can manage to keep the guilt at bay.  Inspiration is calling.