Autumn

Yesterday it was 4 months since Rod died.  In some ways that sounds like a short time, in other ways it feels like an eternity.

Ironically, Rod died on the first day of summer.  Rod loved summer and was looking forward to being able to lie on the beach, warming himself in the sun and taking a swim in the ocean. Unfortunately he didn’t get to experience that one last summer.  For me, summer was a blur.  I didn’t go to the beach, I had one swim in our pool and I find it difficult to remember much at all about what I did during those months.  I guess that is to be expected.

Autumn arrived and I planned to write this article on 1 March, but here we are in April, the leaves are changing colour, there is a coolness in the air, and on a rainy Sunday morning I am finally letting the words come out.  If Rod were still here we would be lying in bed listening to the rain together, snuggled under the blankets.

Yesterday I felt weird, sad and even a little sick.  Maybe that is going to always happen on the 1st of the month now.  I found it hard to concentrate and my usual activity of throwing myself into work just didn’t fix things.  I started to do some “busy” work to blank out my thoughts when Rocket Man came on my playlist, and the tears just flowed. 

This is a picture of me recording our podcast “The Accidental Bookkeeper”. Probably the favourite part of my week. I love this photo because I look happy.

“I miss the earth so much, I miss my wife”.  I wonder if that is what he is thinking?  I am definitely missing him. “It’s lonely out in space”.  Despite having so many people around me all the time, and things to do, I think that is what I am feeling right now.  Lonely.  And there is really nothing anyone can do to fix that.  A part of me has been broken away and I am lonely without that part.  I don’t want to replace it, I can’t fix it, I just miss it.

What have I learned so far about my grief journey?  Everyone wants to help and I so much appreciate all the support I have had from family, friends, my team, my clients and even strangers, but this is a very personal journey.  It doesn’t have a finish line. Reminders of grief seems to be all around me, although maybe it is just that observation phenomenon like when you buy a new car that you have never seen before, and then see them on the road everywhere.

I have recently watched two new shows that involve the male lead tragically losing their wife and having to deal with the grief.  Both are meant to be light hearted (which they are) but deal with very real themes.  Before I chose either of those shows I was not aware of the storyline.  Of course, lots of dramas deal with death, but I am noticing it more than I ever did before.

I went to a Chamber of Commerce meeting and the guest speaker discussed losing her partner about a year ago and dealing with grief.  I sat there listen with tears streaming down my face.  At a Chamber of Commerce meeting!!! Honestly, it was what I needed to hear on that day and we later caught up for lunch and discussed it some more.   If you are reading this (you know who you are), thank you for being a supportive ear and giving me some tools to help, including the recommendation for Nora McInerny’s Ted Talk “Be Better Than Fine”. There is something powerful about speaking with someone who truly understands what I am going through right now.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Melbourne to do a training course in Organisational Coaching.  I purposely didn’t tell anyone about my situation and it was refreshing to spend 3 days just being myself.  On the last day during a co-coaching session I did explain my situation with one of the course participants when I randomly started crying.  I got so close to finishing the course as Jo the business women, not Jo the widow. To the majority of the participants, I was still Jo the business women until the end of the course.  The benefits of confidentiality.  I am not sure why I wanted to keep it a secret.  I feel like it defines me in some way, which of course it does, but sometimes I just want to be me and not have to explain what happened.  Probably something I should be unpacking with a therapist.

I am back at work in full swing now, or maybe more than full swing.  One of the things Rod was very good at was making me stop working.  “Time for a break Jo, come and have a cup of tea and just sit outside for 10 minutes”.  I have no one to tell me to stop working.  I feel a sense of urgency to get everything done, and there is always something that needs to be done. 

If you follow me on social media you will know that I have started 3 new businesses this year.  I have not started these alone, all are in collaboration with other people, and all were formulated while Rod was alive.  It is just that now, they are all coming together and launching at the same time.  I am excited to see where they go, and grateful that I am not doing any of this alone.  However, work is by far my biggest priority right now.  When I am working, I am not thinking about Rod.  When I am working, I am not lonely.  When I am working, I feel like I am achieving something.

I have also thrown myself into my health and fitness.  I am watching what I eat and I am feeling rather healthy.  I occasionally meditate, love my two yoga classes a week, and I even love doing Body Attack classes.  I am looking forward to playing netball again starting at the end of April.  At almost 54 I think I am finally realising that my health is vitally important and the only person who can take control of it is me.  I am responsible for the food I consume and the energy I expend.  Excuses do not change outcomes.  I still have a way to go to get to where I want to be but it is not about looking like Elle McPherson, it is about feeling healthy.

Life is predictable at the moment.  There are lots of routines in my life that I stick to and each week seems to melt into the next with a degree of sameness.  After 2 years of living on the cancer roller coaster, I need this predictability.  I wouldn’t say I am happy, I think I am always a little bit sad, but most of the time I just am. 

When you ask me how I am doing, the answer is likely to be, I’m OK.  I am OK.  I am not wonderful, I am not a complete mess, I am OK.  And as I move through my second season without Rod, OK is enough.