In the Moment

Why do we wish our life away?  For months I have been looking forward to my Bali holiday,  dreaming of reliving the wonderful moments I spent here with Rod.  This was our special place.  Yet it has taken me a week to relax enough, to find the space, the quietness and to really appreciate this moment because tomorrow, like all moments, it will be in the past.

I arrived on the island of Nusa Lembongan and I tried to ride a motorcycle.  I was surprised at how fearful I was, but also how upset I was that I just couldn’t do it straight away.  This was the one thing that I was not confident about when coming here – the one thing that Rod always was the master of.  I loved the feeling of holding on to him as we rode around the island.  It is one of my most cherished memories. 

Now I needed to do it on my own, but it felt difficult. Realising that my sister couldn’t ride due to her broken foot, I gave up.  I am not sure if it was the fear of riding, or the fear of riding alone that worried me.  I am a bit disappointed in myself for not giving it a go, but I will try again next time.  We still managed to explore the island and have a wonderful time.

No two holidays are ever the same and this holiday has made me realise that I cannot recreate what once was.  I need to embrace the differences.  I have my sister with me to provide a level of amusement and make me do different things, things I would not normally do.  It certainly has given us something to laugh about.  Michelle having a broken foot, and her good humour that comes with it, has only added to the amusement.

The Healer

Michelle really wanted to visit a Healer while in Bali so we did this on our first day.  It was an experience and the Healer picked up on my grief straight away, telling me Rod was sitting right next to me, which of course started the tears flowing.  He also told Michelle that her foot was not broken despite x-ray evidence to the contrary, but I guess you pick the bits you want to hear, and allow a margin of error when things are not entirely correct.  I am not sure I am healed, and I sure Michelle’s foot is still broken, but I do think it helped.

The Beer Cycle

When Michelle told me she wanted to go on the Bali Beer Cycle, my immediate thought was that it was not for me. For clarification, it is a small truck that is set up like a bar, but each person sits at a seat that is like a bicycle seat with pedals at your feet.  The truck drives around Bali while you drink and pretend to be powering the truck from your cycling.  Then I saw it ride past us and thought, maybe it is not so bad.  When in Rome… or when in Kuta.  So, on the cycle I went and had a wonderful 2 hours of drinking, singing, not really peddling but having fun.  Thank you Michelle for making me do this.

Falling off, Falling over

I am not sure why I worry about my sister and her broken foot when I seem to be the clumsy one these holidays.  After a fun night at Frankenstein’s Laboratory (a theatre restaurant of sorts, with face painting and IV drip bags full of cocktails), we hopped on the back of motorcycles for a lift home.  For clarification, we were not the ones driving the motorcycle.  It was late at night, the streets were relatively empty and I was enjoying the cool breeze as we floated through the streets of Seminyak and Legian. 

We arrive at our hotel and I don’t recall trying to dismount from the bike, but I somehow found myself lying on the ground, flat on my back.  I was not hurt, but then the laughter started.  I don’t think I stopped laughing for at least an hour.  Sometimes you just need a good belly laugh and I can’t recall laughing like that for years. 

To follow up on my clumsiness, as we were walking on the wharf to get on our boat to the island of Lembongan (our next destination), I slipped down the ramp flat onto my backside.  It was pouring rain, and it was incredibly slippery, but once again I found myself on the ground looking up at everyone else.  Luckily I have been doing Yoga so that I fell a little more gracefully (probably not), but have not hurt myself.  At least I am providing some reciprocal amusement for my sister.

The Perfect Storm

Ok, maybe that is a bit dramatic, but our trip from the mainland to Lembongan in heavy rain and rough sea was not what I was expecting. With the passengers screaming as the boat dropped into each wave, and waves seemed to be coming at us in each direction so all windows were closed, it was hot, visibility was only a few feet and I did start to feel rather scared.  I don’t like not having control and in this situation we were entirely at the whim of the sea captains.

We made it, of course, but I was practicing mindfulness during the crossing.  Like everything, it was an experience and trying to be present in that experience, good or bad, felt important. For a moment I thought it might have been the last experience of my life. The harbour master closed the crossing that afternoon for the next 24 hours after 2 boats were badly damaged. Maybe I was not being overly dramatic. 

Living in the moment

I need to remind myself I am really here.  I am at the Villa Bukit, on Nusa Lembongan, sitting by the pool I have been imaging for months, doing the things I had imagined I would be doing.  I have realised I cannot recreate the past experiences here with Rod, but rather than dwell on that, I need to embrace the new experiences. 

We can’t go back in time, we can only remember it.  The only moment that is relevant is the moment we are in right now.  Sitting here, with the sun shining, the pool sparkling and waiting for my banana pancakes for breakfast, the present is about as perfect as it gets.