Summer

Today is the first day of summer, and the first anniversary of the day you left this world.  One year, it has gone so quickly.

This morning I have woken up at our villa in Nusa Lembongan and it feels like the perfect place to remember you on this day.  Our special place.  It is early morning and peaceful.  The birds are singing and in the distance I can hear the roosters advising the island it is time to wake up.

I am here with new friends, people you never got to meet.  I have had a wonderful week showing them the island, just as you loved showing our friends.  We have had incredible fun and I am sure the island will miss the five loud and laughing women in their 50’s when we leave later today.  

While today I will reflect on Rod in my thoughts (as I do everyday), I want to think about the progress I have made over the past year.  I almost feel guilty to say that I am feeling so much better, but I am. I miss him but am learning to live as a single person and feeling comfortable in my own company.  I can do the things I want to do and choose not to do the things that don’t interest me.  I am not feeling as envious of my friends with partners as I felt at the start.  I am finding my way in the “solo” world.

I still work too much but I am conscious of that choice.  It is the way I escape the thoughts in my head.  I have managed to reduce the amount of work I am doing slightly and trying to focus on doing the things I want to do, rather that just being busy for the sake of it.  Work feels good, and while it is not where I hoped it would be at this time last year, it is making progress.  My team have ridden the wave with me.  Some fell off the wave, but others have stuck with me and I am proud of the team and what we have achieved.  It has been tough on them as well and I thank them for so much support.

Speaking of support, I cannot believe how much support people have given me.  Dinners, lunches, breakfasts, concerts, movies, coffees… a friendly ear when I need it.  Old friends and new friends.  Thank you everyone for being there when I needed you most. 

Our family, where would I be without you?  We are not the perfect family, but we do pretty well together.  You have been a tower of strength while grieving too.  Always checking in on me.  Always there when I need a shoulder to cry on.  Being there for each other as we all navigate a world without Rod.

Jarrod, your dad would be so proud of you.  On the day you and Charley got engaged I was very emotional because I knew that he would be so happy.   I felt the same when Jordan and Tiana got engaged a few weeks ago.  I am so happy for all of you.  We all have such wonderful things to look forward to and it is sad he won’t get to see it.

After Rod passed away I made the decision that I wanted to lead a healthier life.  I know how short life can be and I want to be able to participate as much as possible, for as long as possible.  I have been a regular at the gym and it has been that best thing I could have done.  A wonderful group of women who support each other, without judgement.  While at the gym I was asked play netball, and here I am, in Bali on my end of season trip with netball and gym friends.  I am finding my tribe.

I am a business woman and I face clients all the time.  I cannot cry when I talk of Rod, I have to distance myself and be professional.   Sometimes it feels like I have an Instagram filter on me.  The filter goes up like a shield to hide what is really behind it.  I can now talk about him without feeling the same level of emotion.  I still cry, but not as much.  I am still trying to remember the good times but having difficultly getting the bad times out of my head, particularly those last few weeks.

Overall though, as we move into my second summer without you, I am stronger than I was and I know I will be even stronger next year.  The first day of summer will always hold special meaning to me.  You made it to your last summer for one day, and I am hoping it is summer all the time for you now.  An endless summer, just seeing what the tide does.